


Five steps

by Julie290



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Character Death, Five Stages of Grief, Gen, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-25
Updated: 2013-08-25
Packaged: 2017-12-24 16:15:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/941976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Julie290/pseuds/Julie290
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Future!fic, written before seasons 4 and 5 aired. "He had always seemed so... I don't know, eternal..."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five steps

5 steps

Summary : Future!Fic. Character death.

_Camelot, 6 years after season 3_

Gaius was in his house, cooking tomorrow's breakfast for him and Merlin when it happened. It came as a surprise for him, although he should have expected it – he was old, after all, and tired. He'd stopped counting the years long ago... But he still didn't expect this pain in his chest to come so suddenly. He knew what it meant, though, and didn't try to fight it. He'd served his time, and wasn't really needed here anymore. These last ten years had been... straining, to say the least, yet he wouldn't trade them for the world. So many things had happened since Merlin had come into his life... He'd been there to see Arthur change from a spoiled brat to a good man. He'd watched with regret Morgana slowly turning to evil after discovering she had magic. Uther, his old friend, had never been the same after her betrayal – and died a year later, leaving Arthur to rule the Kingdom in his place.

It had been then that Gaius had first felt the burden of his years, and handed his resignation to the new King. Arthur had tried to refuse it, saying he needed him to guide him now his father was gone.

"You have Merlin at your side for that, Sire. And if need be, you can still come to me for advice – but I think it's time for Liam to stop being my apprentice, and become Court Physician."

This had been his answer, and he had remained firm. Making Merlin accept he was retiring had been a whole other story...

_Flashback_

The young warlock was so freaked out that he was almost hyperventilating.

"Gaius, you can't be serious about this! I'm going to need you, now more than ever!"

"Yes, because you're  _so_  good at listening to advice..." Gaius had muttered.

"I'm not ready! Now Arthur has become King, there will be even more magical and non-magical threats! How am I going to deal with them if you're not here to help me?"

"You sound as though I'm going miles away. I'll only be in the lower town, in a small cottage, and you'll be able to come and see me anytime you want."

"I don't want you to leave! You're still needed here!"

"Merlin, I have made my mind! And you have to accept it."

_Flashback ends_

At first, Merlin came to him everytime Camelot was in danger – might as well say, every other day! But with time he learned to face the threats by himself, and only went to see his old mentor when the situation was very serious... Last time had been five years ago, when he'd decided to reveal his magic to Arthur. Almost all the knights had discovered it by then, of course, Gwaine leading the way. The only ones left in the dark were the King and Queen, as well as sir Leon... and Merlin wasn't AT ALL confident in their reaction.

Now he'd taken the habit to come every day, only to share a moment of peace away from his duties as Court Sorcerer. But this time, when Merlin would come, he wouldn't find him waiting for him at his table as usual. When he went to bed for the last time, Gaius had only one regret: not having been able to say goodbye...

The morning following, Merlin opened the door without knocking, as usual.

"Gaius? You'll never guess what Gwaine has done..."

He knew something was wrong when he was only greeted by silence, and his heart began to beat faster as he called more frantically.

"Gaius? Are you in here?"

He searched the whole house, to no avail – Gaius was nowhere to be found. He finally stumbled into the bedroom... and instantly relaxed.

"Ah, here you are! You can pride yourself on scaring the hell out of me!"

He frowned a little when his mentor didn't move.

"It's time to wake up, Gaius!"

His grin faltered when realisation started to sink in.

"Gaius? Gaius, wake up!" He went near the bed and shook him, trying desperately to see some life in the old man. "Wake up, you stubborn old goat!"

But when he put his hand on Gaius's forehead, he discovered it was cold. He briefly closed his eyes, trying to stop tears from falling.

He went back to the castle, walking slowly through the streets, unaware of the rain falling on his face. He didn't pay attention to the people bowing before him as he passed. He finally reached the Throne Room, and with a gesture of his hand, opened the doors. Arthur looked up from the map he was studying and understood immediately something was wrong. He'd only seen Merlin this broken before – the day his Court Sorcerer had told him about Freya. He raised a hand to silence one of his counsellors and asked:

"Merlin? What is it?"

"Gaius is dead," Merlin answered with a lifeless tone.

The room became suddenly silent. Everyone, here, had been healed by Gaius at least once; his death was a shock for everyone. With sadness in his eyes, Arthur stood up and said:

"His funeral day will be a holiday for everyone in the kingdom. I want the whole city dressed in grief, for it is the loss of a great man that we suffer now."

Messengers went sent all over the country, to invite people to come to the funeral, that would occur three days later to give people time to journey to Camelot.

It was a massive crowd that stood under the rain this day to pay a last tribute to the retired Court Physician. Merlin and Liam were the closer to the grave, as a ward and as a former apprentice. A few people made speeches, but Merlin didn't listen. He felt anger build up inside him; anger against those nobles who spoke of Gaius as though they'd known him personnally; anger against this rain that allowed some of them to fake tears when they were here to be well considered by the King; and anger against Gaius, who'd left him alone without a warning. One by one, the people gathered here started to leave, and Merlin ended up being left alone. Until a voice, behind him, warned him someone else was here.

"I heard the news, but somehow I didn't want to believe it..."

Merlin turned around to face the last person he would have expected here.

"You!" he snarled, and prepared to strike her – finally, finally, a target to unleash his anger...

Morgana smiled sadly, and went on without acknowledging the interruption.

"I never thought it would happen. He had always seemed so... I don't know, eternal..."

"Why are you here, Morgana? To torment me?"

"I could do that, indeed," Morgana answered thoughtfully. "You're weaker than usual, now that your mentor and father figure is dead... But believe or not, it is not war I am looking for today."

"Then what do you want?" Merlin repeated.

"I only came here to pay my respects to Gaius."

At that, Merlin's eyes widened and he started to laugh, an uncontrollable, joyless laugh.

"Laugh if you want," Morgana said softly. "But I remember that Gaius was the first one to help me with my visions when I thought they were nightmares. He was a good man, and he helped me even though he knew I wasn't on your side anymore. Now, will you let me come closer to his grave, or shall we fight so that you can vent your anger on me?"

Merlin blinked. Since when had Morgana been so insightful? He hesitated, then thought that Gaius wouldn't want them to fight on his grave – least of all the day of his funeral.

"Do as you want," he said before disappearing.

He had an idea.

Why didn't he think of it before? He had resuscitated Gaius once before, hadn't he? Of course it was years ago; nine years, to be precise. But what he had done then, he could do it again... All he needed was the Cup of Life, and someone willing to give their life for Gaius. Surely, somewhere, there would be an old man that would wish to finally sleep forever? It was with this idea in his mind that he tried to locate the Cup, and discovered the Druids had taken it back – again. He took the path him and Arthur had used six years ago, and it led him toward their cavern. But he couldn't enter it; a shield, probably cast by more than one man, was blocking the entrance.

"Is there anyone in here?" he asked desperately. "My name is Merlin; I have come here a few years ago with King Arthur... Just as we did then, I need the Cup of Life..."

 _The Cup of Life is not made to serve personal interests, Emrys_ , a voice in his head said. He recognized it; it was the Druid who had given them the Cup six years ago.

"What do you mean, personal interests?" he called, still trying to take down the shield.

 _We heard about your loss, Emrys_ , the voice continued.  _And even though we are sorry for you, we can't allow you to do what you wish with the Cup. It has other purposes._

"But I need it! I need to bring Gaius back! It was not his time to die yet!"

_Do you really think so? Or are you just trying to deny the truth?_

"I..."

_Do you think your friend would want you to use your powers like this, Emrys?_

Merlin's shoulders went down in defeat. They were right, of course – had Gaius been here, he would already have clipped him around the head and lectured him about the way he should use his magic.

"Alright," he answered out loud. "I'm sorry... I'll leave you alone now."

 _Once again, we are truly sorry for your loss, Emrys_ , the voice said with compassion.

Merlin didn't answer. Tears were rolling down his cheeks.

When he came back to Camelot, he summoned his personal servant – something that came with the position of Court Sorcerer; he now had a servant to assist him as if he was a noble. Incidentally, his servant also happened to have magical potential, although, of course, not as wide as Merlin's; the warlock, after discovering this, had taken him as both his servant and his apprentice.

"You asked me to come, Master?" the young man said.

"Ah, Thomas. Yes, I did. And I also asked you to call me Merlin, and more than once," he scolded kindly.

"As you wish, Master Merlin," Thomas answered with a hint of impertinence in his voice.

"I need you to give a message to Ar... to King Arthur for me."

Merlin always had trouble to remember the boy was not comfortable with hearing him speaking of the King with familiarity.

"Tell him I won't come to the council tomorrow. He'll understand."

"Yes, Master Merlin."

Arthur understood indeed; his friend needed time to mourn his old mentor. He told the boy that Merlin could take the whole week if he needed to.

The warlock accepted the offer. He spent the following week in his chambers, either crying or watching the empty air. He refused every visit his friends made, repeating again and again he wanted to be alone. And even when the week was over, he only did his job; he wouldn't banter with Arthur, drink with Gwaine, or chat with Lancelot. He only dealt with the magical matters of the Kingdom, never offering a word of advice on day-to-day things as before.

This lasted six months; everyone was deadly worried about Merlin. His friends started to say that this couldn't go on for much longer, that they had to do something. Gwen was the first to get fed up.

"Will you all stop saying that? 'We must do  _something_ ', ' _someone_  has to help him', yet I don't see any of us actually doing  _anything_. Well, I'll do  _something_!"

And with these words, she strode towards Merlin's chambers, knocking furiously on the door and calling.

"Merlin! Merlin, open this door!"

No answer.

"Merlin, I won't go away so you might as well open this door NOW!"

A moment passed, then the Queen heard the door unlock itself. She entered the chambers and went to Merlin, hands on her hips.

"Merlin, this has to stop  _right now_. You can't keep moping like that forever!"

"No? Watch me," Merlin muttered.

"Oh, I have watched you, trust me! I've watched you these last six months! And do you know what I saw? I saw a coward, hiding from his friends because he can't face the facts that Gaius is dead!"

"Don't say that!" Merlin got to his feet, an angry look in his eyes.

"Why? Do you think it doesn't hurt for me? For Arthur? For the Knights? It hurts, Merlin, for everyone! But you can't go on like that! Gaius was old. His time had come, and I think he welcomed it. Because he knew you were ready to stand on your own two feet. But I hope for you that he hasn't been watching you these last months. If he has, then I'll bet he's very disappointed right now!"

"What?"

"Look at you! You don't take care of yourself anymore! You remain locked up here because you're too afraid to live without him. But you're not a child anymore, Merlin! You need to go on with your life!"

He looked down. She was right, he knew it... It was just so hard... As though she'd heard his thoughts, she said softly:

"It's hard for everyone, Merlin. But life goes on without Gaius, yours as well as anyone else's. Now you will go to the bathroom and shave this awful beard you let yourself grow. And after that you'll go and take a walk in the town. It's spring, and the weather is wonderful today. You really need some fresh air."

"You sound like my mother," Merlin replied with a hint of amusement.

"I'll take that as a complement. I remember when we went to Ealdor; she was a very nice and very wise woman. Now shoo!"

Merlin did as he was ordered; after taking a bath and shaving his beard, he went for a walk in the streets of Camelot. Gwen was right, the weather was beautiful. He tried to smile to everyone, as if he was perfectly fine. His feet led him to the place where they had buried Gaius; after a small hesitation, he went and knelt on it.

"It's me... I don't know if you can hear me, and to be honest, it doesn't really change anything because I feel utterly ridiculous here. But I just wanted to say... I'm sorry. I know I should have moved on a long time ago, and if you were here you would probably clip me round the head like you used to do..." He laughed a moment, then sighed. "I miss you, Gaius. I probably always will. But now I understand that... I have to live my own life." He got to his feet, getting the dust out of his clothes. "Goodbye, Gaius."

**Author's Note:**

> I just wanted to make something featuring Gaius's death – Gaius, because he's the eldest of all the characters – and the famous 5 steps of grief. I hope this wasn't too depressive to read... You may notice there are six distincts parts in this. The first one, Gaius's death, then one for every step.
> 
> Denial: Merlin finding Gaius dead in his bed.
> 
> Anger: The funeral.
> 
> Negotiations: Merlin trying to find the Cup of Life to revive him – a life for a life.
> 
> Sadness: Merlin moping in his chambers.
> 
> Acceptance: Gwen shaking Merlin, and Merlin going to Gaius's grave.
> 
> Thanks to Alaia Skyhawk, who allowed me to borrow Liam from her Merlin fics, and corrected the mistakes^^


End file.
